Because after all, being selfish hurt the least

 

Today, I was so emotional. Despite postnight. Urghh,  I should be sleeping but I am cring. Quite bad.

It all started about my super early morning rambling about my ideal marriage plan. And eventually I thought about me and him. About us. About what did I wanted, about what others wanted. About what happened following those.

So, I clearly said I does not want to get engaged. Not sure why, but I am not fan of it. 

But I was convinced to do so. Partly because it is part of the norm. To get to know each other family. To have a meeting. To let others know what I am engaged before we tie the knot. Hmmm. I guess to prevent bad rumor saying 'tibe tibe and mengejut je kahwin'. Well, seriously people should stop thinking about this stuff. Even if it the least truth, no one should be bothered about it. You are not a part of their lives!

So, I get engaged. It was indeed a happy moment, but it surely cost more if it broke halfway. The more you invest, the more you loss!

Then, I was never a fan of big ceremony. It should just be with someone who is close to me, at least someone that I know off. Fair enough that parents want to invite their friends etc, then as long we both to agreement that parents will sponsor for foods, I con compromise that. At least, that what happened during my engagement day. So, I dont feel bother much about it.

Then, in my next plan is to get married in December. But I was convinced to postpone to Feb. So, I said fair enough but that's all. And only to know in December that Feb is also a no from his side. Because their ideal wedding is when everyone can join it. Like literally everyone need to be there.

I was a selfish person to begin with. Them you were the one who convinced me you and your family can accept me as who I am. But I guess, it just not enough.

I was being nice and not to burden you as much, financially. But I guess, you did feel the burden. To me, the hantaran is quite ok, not so burdening. I just want you to feel that it is still not too easy. But it just get back to me.


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So after all that happened, I came to conclusion: 

1) Maybe we do tak ada jodoh. And these small hints keep happening before it happened. I don't know. I guess so. 

2) Being selfish hurt the least. If I stick to my stubborn side, did not compromise to others, it will be slightly better. At least I don't feel angry with other people. At most, I will just blame myself.

3) I did compromise to others. But eventually, I am left alone to settle down all my feeling, arrange my heart in pieces and get out of it myself. 

4) When I try to make it easier for some of other people, they just think it is nothing. Because apparently every other person seem to do it just fine, without any problem. And they expect me to do the same. So, probably I should just make it difficult from the first place.

5) Probably my ideal way of marriage just does not fit into norm. Maybe a lot of people will be hurt by my way of wedding/marriage. And I am so sorry, but I don't think I can entertain everyone and at the same time, be fair to myself.

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