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2020 is both bless and disaster

  2020. The number look nice. After all, since childhood, people keep saying wawasan 2020 and all those flying car etc. The real 2020 was contradicting. Not much of progression I would say. Personally, 2020 is a total lost for my horsemanship training. Not that I am really enthusiastic to become doctor, but because of COVID situation, there is so much thing me as houseman missed out. Be it in district hospital or tertiary big hospital, KKM made it clear to protect the housemen. So anything relating to COVID and risk of airborne transmissions, the houseman should not be around. So, CPR, intubation, airway management; things that hands on are learnt in ED department, we all missed out. Honestly it was a total lost. Number of patients also reduced (since currently I am in PPUM) and we have thing known as triage away. It basically to limit the crowd in working area and reduce the chance of transmission between doctors, nurses and patients in the same area. Not sure how the KKM hospital...
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2020 will end in 13 days

Fast forward, 2020 almost reach its end. There is so many things happening this year. Of course I will be talking about it in details at the last day of 2020. Basically to summarize what kind of year was 2020 been to me. In all aspect of my life. Emotional, physical, spiritual and development. What kind of lost and what kind of gain.  Of course, I could not have all in this 1 year.  Anyway, its rare for me to have to new year goal. But now that I am reaching 30, I have determined to have few goals that I want to achieve. To make it less burdening for me, instead of saying I want to loose weight to 50kg, maybe I will be starting with losing 5kg in first 3 months. Hahha this is example. Anyway, it titrated goal, is all what I try to say. Will see you again in 13 days. 
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We might love each other but in different tone. And we broke up because of it

 I think, he left me because he might felt he was not financially stable to support both of us. Partly because he has no permanent job at that time. All is freelance and he partly need his PhD allowance for his living. And then COVID 19 happened. He lost his income; no part time and his PhD was also affected. I was at that time told him, I could not wait for him to finish his PhD and for him to get job. He was talking about future, tentatively at age of 32 of his and 31 of mine. Basically he was asking me to wait for another 4 years. No, actually he did not ask me wait. I just simply told him I can’t wait that long. Probably that blew him off. You see; that point of time I was thinking we should just get married. I was talking about now. Never mind about your job, your PhD. Because those are all about future. After all, if you really want me, you want me sooner better. Not that I was not thinking about you and your future. I never asked you to quit your PhD. Instead, I do wish ...
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Because after all, being selfish hurt the least

  Today, I was so emotional. Despite postnight. Urghh,  I should be sleeping but I am cring. Quite bad. It all started about my super early morning rambling about my ideal marriage plan. And eventually I thought about me and him. About us. About what did I wanted, about what others wanted. About what happened following those. So, I clearly said I does not want to get engaged. Not sure why, but I am not fan of it.  But I was convinced to do so. Partly because it is part of the norm. To get to know each other family. To have a meeting. To let others know what I am engaged before we tie the knot. Hmmm. I guess to prevent bad rumor saying 'tibe tibe and mengejut je kahwin'. Well, seriously people should stop thinking about this stuff. Even if it the least truth, no one should be bothered about it. You are not a part of their lives! So, I get engaged. It was indeed a happy moment, but it surely cost more if it broke halfway. The more you invest, the more you loss! Then, I was ...
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My first time with Lineige!

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It's my first time, but I was too crazy that time to spent more than rm1k for these productsssss... Silver lining is, most of these have discounted price and promo. So, I definitely get it at cheaper price. Plus, I have 15% off with my GRAB reward. Tebus 800 points and get 15% off. Total cost saved with this discount is almost RM300. And then, since I use it dekat app Zalora, it is even more cheaper than Zalora website or Lineige website. Honestly, harga this brand mahal so I dont think I will ever buy it if takda discount. Serious. And I get cashback after spending RM1K, so the cashback to I beli lagi satu BB powder and bagi to my mom.  video takleh upload sebab besar sgt hahahaha
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The rings should be with you

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Hi awak, This most likely will be the last entry about me-you-us-getting back together. I think I did my best to draw your attention and us getting back together. But the stronger I come to you, the harder I feel that you push me away. It just feel anyway because memang tak ada respons from you. I just wish we can have a sit and talk. Tapi, entah maybe it just not working for you.  So, I have to give way to your way for that.  The rings; engagement ring are with me all these while.  I love it, and you knew it. So, that's why awak suruh saya simpan even though kita dah putus tunang. But I think that is just too hard for me too. Sebab I can't wear it. Otherwise, I will be reminded of us again. I can't sell it sebab your mom yang pilih and belikan. So, rasa serba salah. Honestly if awak yang belikan, saya akan jual lah sebab no point kan untuk simpan. Not like we will be back together anyway. So, I'm returning it to you. It's actually rude untuk pulangkan through posta...
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Bagai Melukut Di Tepi Gantang

Hi awak, It been long since last I posted in entry. Almost 2 months. I promised you that I will not text you. I promised you I will not speak about marriage again. And I told you I gave up on us. For all I know, I failed them all. I did everything the other way around. And maybe and most likely it upset you. To the extent, you have not responded to my friend request, my FB messenger chat was not delivered (I presumed I was blocked), my whatssap text always one single tick grey, my call never answered, my message was never replied. I have never told anyone these, but I think most people will say that you have completely ignore me and moved on. And that is upsetting me very much. I feel like that now- the title above. I would like to speak to you, in honest tone. But I am not able to do so since March, that's when you started to ignore me. I have been trying to understand you, but I just doesn't seem not able to do so. Actually I had this feeling and assumpt...
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